Aired on 2012.04.15

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Remember that time Jon Snow got whopped over the head? Well, it didn’t lead to permanent brain damage or anything. Really, the Night’s Watch just have to pack up and leave Craster’s Multigenerational Harem. Along the way, Snow learns that Lord Commander Mormont already knew that Craster gives his baby boys to weird semi-human forest dwellers. And Samwell gives a thimble to Gilly.

In more interesting news, Tyrion is getting into the swing of things at King’s Landing. Take a moment to enjoy that internal rhyme scheme. And speaking of schemes, let’s get back to Tyrion. He’s decided to find out who’s feeding information to Cersei, so he tells a different story to Pycelle, Varys, and Littlefinger. Pycelle is the spy, and even though he insists that he’s technically working for House Lannister, Tyrion sends him off to the black cells. Then Varys gets Shae (Tyrion’s secret courtesan) a job working as Sansa’s handmaiden.

In Winterfell, Bran insists that he has magic dreams where he can see through the eyes of the direwolves. This comes as no surprise, since we’ve seen him do it several times. Catelyn Stark finally meets up with Renly Baratheon, who’s got a new member of his Kingsguard: a giant lady named Brienne. He’s also got a new wife who’s really very understanding about the fact that Renly would prefer to be having sex with her brother. And Theon Greyjoy decides he’d rather impress his father than Robb Stark, so he signs on to with the Drowned God. And then he doesn’t warn Robb that the Greyjoys are about to attack the North from the sea.

The winner for Shocking Death of the Episode, though, goes to Yoren, who completely fails to protect the Night’s Watch recruits from the Goldcloaks looking for Gendry. Everyone gets captured except for Blondie, who gets killed by the guy who steals Needle from Arya. But his sacrifice is not in vain, because Arya smartly tells the soldiers that he was Gendry all along, so maybe there’s no need for any further killing?

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

The credits start off in King’s Landing. Then they swoop off northeast to Dragonstone, then west across the continent to Pyke, then north to Winterfell, then farther north to the Wall, back south to King’s Landing, then east to Vaes Dothrak. I can’t imagine that including those directions has helped you at all. It’s not like you’re drawing a map based on my description of the credits. (NOTE: Please do this!)

We actually start north of the Wall, where we’re dealing with the fallout from Jon Snow getting whopped over the head at the end the last episode. Craster is not happy that Snow has spoiled the peace and harmony of his multigenerational incestuous harem. That’s the kind of delicate operation that doesn’t stand up to close scrutiny. So Craster busts into the room where the Night’s Watch is trying to get some sleep and tells them all to get out. He punctuates his demands with some boots to the head of Jon Snow. Lord Commander Mormont tells Snow to wait outside. He won’t allow Snow to speak.

Outside, Snow is huddled up with Samwell. For about ten seconds, anyway, because Mormont roars up and tells Samwell to shove off. Sorry, Samwell! Maybe you’ll have a scene later on. (Spoilers: he will! It’s not much of one, though.) Snow breathlessly tells Mormont that he’s learned Craster is killing all the boys that are birthed by his harem. Which is what everyone assumed as soon as they heard that he was marrying his daughters and granddaughters and great-granddaughters with no other males on the premises. Mormont doesn’t look surprised and it slowly dawns on Snow that he knew all along. Because this isn’t his first time here. Mormont patiently explains, “Wildlings serve crueler gods than you or I.” Snow insists that he’s a monster who kills his own sons. Mormont says he’s a monster who’s helped the Night’s Watch in the past. He’s even helped Snow’s mysteriously-vanished uncle Benjen. Mormont says they need men like Craster, which makes sense to me. They can’t have a lot of allies north of the Wall and the people out there are presumably all crazy in one way or another. Snow tries to change the subject to the weird thing he saw take the child and Mormont says he’ll probably see it again. Anyway, they leave at dawn. Mormont hands him back his sword and tells him not to lose it again.

Samwell prepares horses. He sneaks up to Gilly, who already knows they’re leaving. She thinks he shouldn’t be talking to her, which is obviously true. I’m surprised Craster didn’t lock up all his womenfolk. Sam wants to give her something that belonged to his mother: a wooden thimble. Romantic, right? Well, it kind of is, since it’s the only thing he has of hers. He used to read to her while she sewed. And that’s the sort of thing that resulted in his father threatening to kill him if he didn’t join the Night’s Watch. Gilly tells him he shouldn’t give it away. He answers, “I’m not giving it away. I’m giving it to you. Keep it safe for me. ‘Til I come back.” She takes it, furtively. I guess that wasn’t such a bad scene if you like Samwell.

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